Professionals
by ZeroPanda
Summary: Alchemy teachers imported straight from Amestris; you can't get much more professional than this. hpfma crossover oneshot.


_This is what happens when just one tiny little quote formulates itself in my mind. It turns into a whole one-shot.  
I don't own any of the characters you recognize in this story. And since there are no OCs, I suppose that means I don't own any of it. _

_There's a bad word in this -gasp!- And I mean other than "bastard" which I used quite often because I mean come on! It's Edward, of course he's gunna curse. Anyways, I doubt it offends anyone, just letting you know since I rated this as T and I'm paranoid. _

_**8/6/11 Edit: …FF deleted my LINE BREAK. And I also fixed some consistency errors. Boo.**_

* * *

Ed stood in front of the chattering class, covering a yawn with his left hand as he waited out the last minute before class was actually supposed to start. He spared a glance at Roy, who sat behind the desk, legs propped up on it and snoozing quietly.

He turned his attention back to the class, and he cleared his throat, ready to begin. When no one seemed to hear him, he did so again, this time much louder. Once again, he was ignored.

"Everyone shut up and eyes to the front!" he finally yelled, losing his very limited patience. The class immediately did just that, and no one even dared to cough. Ed looked back behind him where he found that the man had somehow managed to remain asleep. His eye twitched in irritation at his companion, which prompted him to kick the desk rather roughly with his left leg – the automail one.

'How the.. he's _still _asleep?' Ed thought incredulously. _Honestly!_

The classroom remained quiet as they watched their younger teacher walk – or rather, stomp – around the desk angrily. He leveled his face with his commanding officer's ear and took a deep breath before yelling out: "WAKE UP YOU USELESS BASTARD!" The man did indeed wake up, and ended up nearly falling right out of his chair. Luckily for him, he managed to keep his balance. He sent a glare at the small blonde boy before he realized that they had an audience. Edward then took his place back at the front of the classroom.

"My name is Major Edward Elric," he announced in his authoritative voice, "And this here is my useless assistant, Colonel Roy Mustang. We will be your –," he ignored the glare he was receiving from Mustang, but the question of one bushy haired boy cut him off mid-sentence.

"Isn't the rank of Colonel above that of a Major?" she asked. Ed shot her a look, and she slunk down slightly in her seat, not looking quite as eager to be heard as she had been when she asked it.

"Technically, yes. In terms of usefulness? Not really," he said.

"At least I'm not a shrimp," Mustang muttered under his breath.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD RIDE A FRUIT FLY!"

"I didn't say anything like that… shrimp." The class watched in awe as the verbal argument before them unfolded. Many of them were frightened, others wondered if it would escalate into a full on physical brawl as the blonde alchemist's face seemed to be turning an unnatural shade of red. But – fortunately or unfortunately, no one was really sure – for them, that familiar voice butted its way into the conversation.

"Uhm, Professor Elric, sir? Is it alright that you call your superior officer a useless bastard?" the bushy haired girl questioned, just loudly enough for the two bickering alchemists to hear her. Mustang's trademark "bastard smirk" as Ed would call it, was already spreading across his face and Ed's eyebrow quirked dangerously in irritation once more as he stared the young witch down. The look, she felt, was heated enough to make her feel like she could melt just by meeting those two golden orbs with her own. She instead found herself looking away uncomfortably.

The silence lasted a few moments before Edward finally lost his cool…again.

"WHAT superior officer? I certainly don't see one in here! Surely you don't think this man is capable of commanding _anyone_. He's too useless! He doesn't even sign his own paperwork! He's the wo-," there was a resounding _snap_, "shit." Edward instinctively vacated the spot where he once stood, and in his place an explosion of fire appeared. The room was suddenly a lot warmer.

"What are you trying to do? Kill me?" he yelled from his position on the floor.

"Not exactly, Fullmetal. I would have been content with just a little singed," Mustang said smugly above him.

**~*~B.R.E.A.K~*~**

Mrs. Norris sat herself down in a hallway to clean her fur. It was such a nice day out today; the first day back for the young magic humans. Her master was very busy making sure all the rules were enforced on the first day, but Mrs. Norris couldn't really do anything at that moment, as students were in class.

She licked her paw, innocently watching her surroundings from the corner of her eye, always the ultimate predator and therefore always on the lookout. The school's chimey thing rang out loudly, which meant that classes were letting out. She expected a rush of students in the hallways, what she didn't expect is what actually happened.

The door to the Alchemy room burst open, and students rushed out faster than they usually would. They pushed and shoved their way through the door that was obviously too small to fit them all at once. The brown cat held back the urge to roll her ruby colored feline orbs. Humans really were very silly.

As the students finally managed to all get themselves free, there was a loud _bang_ followed by an explosion. Flames burst through the still open door, and not wanting to stick around to find out what was really going on, Mrs. Norris high-tailed it out of that place. She noticed as she went that some of the students looked as if they were sizzling a bit; some quite a bit blacker and sootier than usual.

"Remind me why we took that class again?" one red-haired boy commented. Mrs. Norris found herself in agreement. Why would anyone in their right mind sit in a class that exploded?

* * *

_I've always wanted to write my own hpfma. This is only a one-shot though, so I suppose it can hardly be recognized as accomplishing that. Haha, oh well. _

_Feedback is much appreciated. _

**Edit #2: I've also come to realize that this is not a quality piece of work…I almost wish I could re-write it. Thanks for reading anyways, though!**


End file.
